"...and that's how I ended up drinking vodka with Jason Parks in a hotel lobby until 1 AM" - A tale of shenanigans in Arlington

I like to do all kinds of writing. I was a journalism student for two semesters back in college, and I have written countless film analyses as well as several short stories and screenplays. Yesterday I attended the Baseball Prospectus event at the Ballpark in Arlington, which I had been planning to write all along. However, on my drive home, I realized that this was a journey so epic that it could not be approached in a way that even resembles journalism. It is a story of #want, a tale of masculinity at its finest, a ripping yarn full of action and adventure. This, my friends...this was one of the greatest nights I can remember. So I have decided to tell the tale the best way I can, in narrative form. And with that, I give you "...and that's how I ended up drinking vodka with Jason Parks in a hotel lobby until 1 AM."


This tale really begins the night before, after playing a particularly awesome show with my band The Living Dead, when my night was ruined as I was mugged walking the streets of my normally safe and peaceful home of Norman, OK, just three blocks from my apartment. I only lost $40 and was unharmed, but didn't get home until about 5 AM after spending a good deal of time talking to the cops and waiting to see if they would find the guy (they didn't). I awoke to the harsh tones of my alarm clock at 10:30 AM and debated until past 11:00 whether I was going to Arlington or whether I was going to sulk in my apartment all day with the A/C cranked and the curtains down, thus replicating the cold, dark place my mind was at after the previous night's bullshittery. Upon taking my anxiety medication, the decision was made as clear as the bright, hot day hidden behind my blackout curtains. It was time to drive to Arlington.

I stopped twice on the way, once for gas and cigarettes, once for a Subway breakfast sandwich. The sandwich was hot, juicy and satisfying. Anticipation was mounting at seemingly unsustainable rates, until finally I arrived here:

Despite the fact that I live a mere three hours away, this was my first trip to the Ballpark in Arlington, mostly because my deep love of Kauffman Stadium draws me to Kansas City whenever I feel the need to scratch my MLB itch. That and the facts that A) Kansas City is easier to navigate, B) I have friends I stay with in KC and C) KC is not in Texas.

It was a typically blisteringly hot day in Dallas with temperatures soaring into the 100s (its actually 105 right now as I write this back home in Norman, with the AC blowing my greasy hair back, making it look almost cool except for the grease factor), so it was a great relief the moment the doors to the Rangers Hall of Fame opened and we were admitted into its cool, comforting embrace. After receiving my game ticket from BP President Joe Hamrahi, who returns to this story later, I entered the theater and waited for the Q&A session to begin.

The Q&A session was awesome. A cavalcade of stars ascended their somewhat-uncomfortably tall-looking stools at the front of the room and I found myself captivated by the words of Rangers GM Jon Daniels, scouting legend Don Welke, Kevin Goldstein, Jason Parks and Jamey Newberg. My plan for this piece I'm currently writing was to focus on the content of that Q&A session, but it turned out to be deeply Rangers-centric and I realized that it wouldn't appeal to as wide of an audience as a piece of narrative non-fiction, though I'm probably completely wrong about that. I really don't care that I'm wrong about that either, because I'm deeply enjoying writing this as I sip on a cup of hot green tea gazing out the window, thinking about how much I love breakfast sandwiches.

At any rate, lets dive into some actual baseball info right now before I head back into storytime. The highlight of the Q&A session was undoubtedly Rangers Special Assistant to the GM Don "The Coach" Welke. Mr. Welke has been a scout since the 1960's and his insight into the scouting world was invaluable. He spoke at length about the importance of scouting makeup, at one point saying "Talent comes first, makeup is a very, very close second." He went on to describe the difference between stateside scouting and international scouting, explaining that makeup is even more important in international scouting because the background the player comes from is often so radically different from that of an American-born player. Coach said that with every player he scouts on a serious level (in other words, someone the team is very seriously interested in signing), he gets to know not just the player on a personal level, but also his parents, friends, coaches--basically everyone involved in that player's life to get a grasp on who the player really is. "You can have all the physical tools in the world, but that doesn't mean a thing if you don't have the desire and the work ethic to turn those tools into major league-level baseball skills." I also really appreciated Coach's insight on drafting and player development, saying "We need high-level guys that can be stars. The guys I like taking are the guys that are boom-or-bust. If you sign ten of those kids and two become stars, you're way ahead of the teams that are taking more polished, lower-upside kids with a more consistent success rate."

The other highlight of the session was Jon Daniels, the architect of one of the most successful franchises in American professional sports. Jon, who is in tremendous shape and is quite handsome, was hired by the Rangers when he was just 28 years old, making him the youngest GM in the history of MLB, and also making me feel like one hell of an underachiever, considering that I am 27 and that my claim to fame is that I wear a stunningly cool Iron Maiden hat everywhere I go. One thing that really stuck out to me about Daniels' comments was the discussion about Jairo Beras. For those of you who don't know, Beras is a Dominican outfielder surrounded by a boatload of controversy. Beras submitted a birth certificate to MLB stating his age as 16, and therefore eligible for the July 2 international signing date. However, on February 29, Beras performed some serious leap-year shenanigans by providing MLB with a new birth certificate claiming his age to be 17 and signing with the Rangers for $4.5 million. The Rangers have caught a lot of heat from the other major league clubs, as well as the media, for this action. Many clubs seem to feel that the Rangers pulled a fast one and yanked the rug out from under the rest of the league by signing this kid before July 2, when their international signing pool would undoubtedly be far too small to sign Beras. Daniels, speaking about Beras, said "We did everything right with [Beras]. We did not break any rules. We gained information indicating that he was a 17-year-old and signed him. It is Major League Baseball's responsibility to gather reliable information regarding the accurate age of international players." Personally, I find this a bit questionable, seeing as Beras himself submitted the allegedly incorrect birth certificate claiming he was 16 and then all of a sudden signed with the Rangers with his shiny new 17-year-old certificate. Regardless, whether the Rangers pulled a fast one with Beras or not, Daniels said what he had to say about the situation. Its not like the guy's gonna come out and tell 200 fans, "Yeah, we broke the rules. But hey, this kid's a monster, so who cares." After Daniels discussed Beras, Welke chimed in with his opinions: "You watch this kid Beras take BP...he looks like Josh [Hamilton]," at which point many of the Rangers fans in attendance left the auditorium briefly to change their underpants.

After Welke poked some fun at himself for having graduated from "Harvard...Illinois high school" (a joke directed at Daniels, a Cornell grad), a fan asked Daniels about the offseason battle over Prince Fielder. Daniels responded that while Fielder's bat would obviously look great in the Rangers lineup, saying "That is in no way a knock against Mitch [Moreland]," he also stated, "I don't think we even came in second in that race, and probably not third either."

I had the opportunity to pose a question to Daniels myself. I asked, "How much interest did you have in signing Roy Oswalt in the offseason and what was the process that led to him pitching in Arlington?" Daniels responded, "We watched him pitch several times in the offseason and, although we were interested, we never made an offer to Roy. We felt at the time that we had options in-house that were as good or better for our needs [...] When [Neftali Feliz] went down, we had seen Roy pitch either earlier that day or the day before. It was a total coincidence, it wasn't like Feliz got hurt and we went and watched Roy. But when that happened, we decided it was in our best interests to bring Roy here to Arlington."

One last note on the Q&A that I found particularly interesting was the discussion of Jurickson Profar, the Rangers stud SS prospect, and what will happen when he's big-league ready. The person asking the question was wondering whether the Rangers would move Elvis Andrus to 2B and move Ian Kinsler to the outfield, to which Goldstein responded, "That's a great problem to have. There are a lot of teams out there wondering, 'who could we possibly put at shortstop?' The Rangers have the luxury of having multiple options. Also, the way Andrus' contract is structured, it doesn't buy out any of his free agent years. When that contract is up, I think he will be gone." I expected this comment to ruffle some feathers in the crowd and especially with the Rangers staff on-hand, but no one said anything and they moved right on to the next question. That's pretty telling right there.

After the Q&A finished, a group of us gathered up front, where I met Parks and Goldstein and we took a photo which overflows with masculine handsomeness. It was at this point that the day started shifting from just plain awesome to an absolutely astronomical level of awesomeness. I was approached by several Up and In podcast listeners, who recognized me and my broken wrist from my Tales of #Want email, including a really nice guy named Joe Tetreault. Joe told me that he and his friends listen to every podcast and that one of his friends had started following me on Twitter. When they saw my posts about my show with The Living Dead on Friday night, two of his friends drove all the way from Dallas to Norman to attend my show. That is some SERIOUS #want and I was beyond flattered.

At this point, podcast legend Juan Villarreal (better known to listeners as Juan from Monterrey, Mexico) introduced himself to me and we hit it off immediately. We went upstairs for dinner, where Juan and I chatted with Tetreault over a meal of lukewarm hot dogs and chips until well after the first pitch of the game. We discussed our incredibly different lifestyles (me, a musician/writer/part-time caterer; Juan, an employee of the Mexican government in the anti-drug cartel efforts; Joe, a self-described "office drone") and how despite these differences, we shared a love of all things baseball and the opinion that financial security is way less valuable than happiness and friendship [insert touching comment about humanity here]. After dinner, we talked with Goldstein and Parks for awhile (highlighted by Kevin's comment, "I'm pretty sure that on April 4, Ron Washington brings his lineup card to his secretary and says 'Can I get like 100 copies of this?"), and Parks showed me the miniature donkey figurine he had purchased at a truck stop (more miniature donkey photos to come):

After retreating outside for a smoke with Goldstein (pretty sure we were the only smokers at the event), we finally went into the game. I sat with Kevin until the 5th inning, during which time we discussed Matt Harrison (Goldstein: "What's not to love? He's a big powerful lefty. How much more do you want?"), Michael Young's offensive regression and Ian Kinsler's defensive regression. At one point, Parks turned around from the row in front of us and made the observation, "Look at [Alex White's] delivery. Its so slow you could probably time it with your stopwatch." Not surprisingly, White was removed after 2.2 IP after allowing 4 runs on 6 hits and 4 walks, and was subsequently optioned to the minors today.

I asked Kevin about my good friend Jake Laber (who I will be interviewing for an upcoming article), a 25-year-old independent-league pitcher who was #2 on Baseball America's Top 10 Independent League Players list last year. He responded, "He's 25? Man, that's tough. But a lefty with a good fastball and slider...if he gets a bite from an org, you never know." Kevin also made at least five cryptic statements regarding the possibility of the podcast ending at episode 99, often just throwing them into a completely unrelated conversation. During the 5th inning, he left to go sit with some friends and I moved down a row to sit with Parks, Juan and Joe Hamrahi.

Parks and I enjoyed a few Coors Light tallboys while discussing their excellent ability to hold a chill even on a hellishly hot day. After awhile, Parks also left to go talk to some friends, leaving me, Juan and Joe to have a wonderful conversation that lasted until the end of the game. Topics ranged from baseball to the inner workings of BP to how completely badass Ian Miller is. Joe is seriously one of the nicest guys ever. He gave both Juan and myself his contact info and told us that if we ever have suggestions about how to improve BP or if we ever need anything at all that we can feel free to contact him at any time. Joe left in the 9th inning, leaving me and Juan to discuss our opinions on Rangers Ballpark (we agreed that we appreciated its intimate setting but were somewhat disappointed by its generic feel), politics and our mutual love of metal.

At the end of the game, the awesomeness really kicked into high gear. Parks, Juan and I, accompanied by two very cool people named Phil and Holly (sorry if I got your names wrong!!!), headed to Juan's car where he gave Jason three bottles of mescal, as well as a tortilla press for Jason to give to Kevin. This really struck me as an indication of Juan's character: He not only flew all the way from Mexico to attend this event, but he brought some very nice gifts. Juan gave me a hug and told me he would come see me play music sometime, to which Jason commented, "He really might do it, man. He's that kind of guy. Don't be surprised if he books a flight to Oklahoma City." Juan left to go back to his hotel room as he had to catch an early flight back to Monterrey and Parks invited Phil, Holly and myself back to his hotel to have some drinks in the hotel bar.

We met up in the lobby bar at the Hyatt where Jason was staying, accompanied by the miniature donkey, and immediately started ordering rounds of vodka cranberrys. This is where things got completely awesome. As we were sitting down at our table, Parks said "Hey wait guys, I have to face the lobby in case someone who recognizes me walks in." We entered into a conversation about film, music, TV; basically all things pop culture, while taking frequent breaks to make fun of every single person who entered the hotel lobby. Highlights of Jason's comments on the hotel guests:

Tall, emaciated man with moustache: "Holy shit, its Randy Johnson!"
Well-dressed 40-something man with well-coiffed hair enters with shirt half-open: "Did you see that? That guy's got style. Just waltzes right in with his shirt flying open and then does a completely unnecessary 360 degree turn just so everyone can see how awesome his hair is."
Group of middle-aged Mennonite women: "Mmm, show me some ankle, baby. I want to touch your calves."

Jason also displayed his remarkable ability to turn on the handsome whenever he damn well pleases when our waitress, a young blonde girl named Destiny, came to our table to get us another round. When she asked if we wanted singles or doubles, Parks leaned in, turned on the charm and said seductively, "Destiny, could you make them doubles and charge them as singles? That's what the other bartender did and I'd like to see you do it too." Clearly amazed by Jason's impressive display of handsomeness, and flattered that it was directed at her, she agreed. This led to a debate between the four of us as to how many kids we thought Destiny probably had (my guess: 0, Jason's guess: 3). Jason asked me to explain the phrase "drunken sexual mishap" from my email on Up and In and revealed that he and Goldstein had a long conversation trying to figure out how I could've possibly ended up with a broken wrist from a sexual escapade. It took me about 10 full minutes to make them understand what happened (admittedly, the accident rated high on the bizarro meter), at which point Parks suggested that we ask Destiny up to his room to see if the incident could be recreated successfully. Unfortunately, Destiny's shift was over and she had gone home, so I guess we'll never know.

Parks and I started discussing our various musical projects and he revealed the nature of a project he just started: "Its a concept album. Have you seen the movie Iron Eagle? Its a collection of songs written from the perspective of Jason Gedrick's character to the rest of the cast. Like, a bunch of love songs from Gedrick to Louis Gossett, Jr." Genius. Bizarre, unique genius.

At this point, I decided it was probably time to call it a night as it was 1:00 AM. I said goodnight to Jason, Phil and Holly and departed, basking in the glow of an absolutely incredible nine hours of baseball, conversation and camaraderie. I stopped at McDonald's for an egg McMuffin, thus completing my day the same way it started, with a hot, tasty breakfast sandwich. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make some eggs.